When I See Your Smile
by SpookyClaire
Summary: Blaine just wanted to make his boyfriend happy. He knew Prom meant a lot to Kurt, so he was going to go, he'd make himself go. But that didn't mean he wouldn't be terrified. Blangst.


**When I See Your Smile: **Blaine just wanted to make his boyfriend happy. He knew Prom meant a lot to Kurt, so he was going to go, he'd make himself go. But that didn't mean he wouldn't be terrified.

Enjoy!

_Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow._ ~ Dan Rather

The second the word _prom_ had left Kurt's mouth that night at Breadstix Blaine knew the next week wouldn't be fun. Just thinking about freshman year, let alone talking about it, brought back a whole lot of hurt for him. The memories, the nightmares, they all came rushing back.

_I thought I was past this._

Telling Kurt about it, at least the condensed version, both released a weight on his chest and set in a new one. He hadn't told Kurt about the worst time of his life before. Hadn't told him about the two months in the hospital. About the therapy. About the suicidal thoughts.

Kurt had been through enough. He didn't need to drag around Blaine's baggage too.

And Blaine had considered not telling Kurt at all, but the second Kurt pulled his hand from Blaine's, hurt and confused – _You don't want to do to prom with me?_ – Blaine knew he had to talk.

He told Kurt the basics. _They beat the living crap out of us._ But he didn't tell him the whole story. The hurt and heartache that followed. The repeated school year. The lost trust. The lost innocence. That it wasn't until the Warblers welcomed Blaine with open arms that he felt like maybe life could be ok again – he could get over his past. A silly dance wasn't going to control his life, his happiness.

But then Kurt wanted to go to prom. And he agreed to go, if only to get a smile from Kurt. That smile was all he needed. He could keep that smile close to his heart when he wanted to back out.

So Blaine picked out a simple suit. _Very discrete._ Discrete. Simple. Unnoticeable. Maybe if he made himself plain enough he could be invisible.

And then Kurt wanted to wear a kilt. Of course he did.

_Hey faggot, where's your dress? You girls can only get in if you've got a dress on._

Kurt had been so hurt, so angry with Blaine for taking Burt's side about the whole situation. And it wasn't that Blaine didn't want Kurt to be himself. He shouldn't have to hide who he was just to make the homophobes happy. But they lived in a world where people _were_ jerks. A world where you _did_ get hurt for being who you were. Didn't Kurt see that? Kurt had _lived_ that. Why was he stirring the pot? Why was he provoking them?

But still he apologized, told Kurt he'd go with him even if he wanted to go stark naked. There was that smile again. All Blaine needed was that smile.

The two were back on good terms, back to Kurt excitedly rambling about their plans for prom night while Blaine smiled and nodded making some plans of his own in his head. While Kurt went through a checklist of the things they'd do, Blaine made a checklist of the things they'd need.

"_First we'll go to Breadstix, then we'll head to the prom, we can get our picture taken…"_

_First I'll need to refill that first aid kit. I'll need more bandages, more antiseptic, more tissues…_

Blaine tried to make himself brave, give himself courage. So he tried to think of when he truly felt his bravest, his most confident.

_Singing. I'm most confident when I'm singing._

So Blaine asked Finn and the others if he could sing with them. People always seemed to like him when he sang, maybe if he sang a song the kids of McKinley wouldn't hate him and he could avoid a second traumatic dance experience. And maybe if they liked him, maybe if he built up some confidence on that stage he could be brave enough to have a good time with Kurt.

_I can do this. I will do this_.

So that night of the prom Blaine stood in front of his mirror, straightened his tie and sang to himself. He gelled his hair extra flat, made sure everything was in place, and made his way to Kurt's.

Kurt looked amazing. Beautiful.

Totally and completely noticeable.

Blaine took a deep breath and went off with Kurt, trying to forget what he knew and start fresh. They went to dinner, he ignored the looks from other McKinley kids getting dinner at Breadstix. They drove up to the school, Blaine tried to forget his memories of his last experience in a parking lot on the night of a dance.

"_Hey, fairy boys, where you think you're going?"_

"_You think you can just go in there and gay up the whole night and no one would notice?"_

"_Oh he's crying! Look at this little pussy, he's _crying_."_

"_Come on, cry baby. Beg me to stop. C'mon, tell me to stop."_

He took a shuddering breath as he entered the school, having suddenly forgotten what breathing was. He made his way inside with Kurt. They didn't get their picture taken yet. They didn't dance. Kurt didn't ask him to. Blaine was incredibly thankful for that. He wasn't sure he had enough courage for that.

As they stood off to the side, watching their friends sing and dance, they swayed back and forth together, trying to stay out of the way of everyone else.

_Out of sight, out of mind. Maybe they'll forget we're here._

Blaine looked around the room, tried to gage who looked like they might do something and who looked harmless. But all he saw was the faces of those three boys from freshman year. The ones who threw him to the ground and kicked him until he threw up, until he bled, until he passed out and maybe after that too.

He was trying so hard to be brave, to have a good time with Kurt, but it was like he_couldn't_.

But then he went up on that stage, he sang, and he kept letting his eyes go to Kurt. Kept making sure he was still there, still in one piece. And when he saw Kurt smiling back at him he felt better, stronger. _I can do this_. As long as Kurt was smiling he could keep going.

The night was almost over, they'd almost made it through it one piece. Blaine was feeling a bit better, like maybe this really wasn't so bad.

But then they named the prom queen.

And Kurt's smile was gone.

Blaine chased after him, wanted to comfort him, wanted to do something, _anything_. But the only words he could get his mouth to form were the one's he'd heard so many times from his teachers after one incident of bullying to the next. _It's just a stupid joke_.

Blaine's chest felt like it was on fire. He couldn't breathe. He tried to fight the tears in his eyes but they just kept coming. This was horrible. This was Sadie Hawkins all over again. Because they may not be kicking the crap out of him but standing there, watching Kurt sob, watching him fall apart felt exactly the same. It was just as painful.

"_Do you want to go?" _It was the only thought in his head. _Run, get out of here, get away before they find us and hurt us again_.

"_Wasn't this prom supposed to be about redemption? About taking away that lump you had in your throat from running away? If we leave all it's going to do is give me a lump too."_

Kurt was right. Blaine was such a coward. He could preach all he wanted about courage but did he really have any?

He couldn't help the smile form on his face as Kurt decided to go back in, to get his crown. Because this may be humiliating but Kurt wasn't going to let them get him down. Blaine wasn't like Kurt, he couldn't pick himself back up and go on. He wasn't brave like Kurt.

He wasn't brave at all.

"_They can't touch me. They can't touch _us_."_

God Blaine wanted to believe that. He really did.

So Kurt went back in, he got his crown. He was so brave. He was so _perfect_.

And Blaine just stood off to the side, heart racing, breath barely coming out. He watched Kurt go to the center of the room with his king. He watched Dave run, and then Kurt was all alone. Blaine's chest tightened. His heart stopped. _Kurt's alone. You can't let him be alone. You have to do something_.

So forcing himself to move, he made his way through the crowd, ignoring the stares and glares of Kurt's classmates, ignoring the intense urge to vomit. He made his way forward.

"_Excuse me…" _He couldn't breathe, he couldn't breathe, he couldn't _breathe_. _"Uh, may I have this dance?"_

There was that smile.

That smile was all he needed.

He took a breath.

"_Yes. Yes you may."_

Pulling Kurt close Blaine felt himself clinging tightly, probably wrinkling the back of Kurt's jacket, but he needed to hold Kurt, needed to be able to breathe. So he watched Kurt's face, watched him smile at his friends in the crowd, watched him smile at Blaine. They rocked a little, the more Blaine let himself get into the music, the more he and Kurt rocked, the better he felt. Because he may be terrified, but Kurt was smiling.

So he could smile.

He could breathe.


End file.
